Social Distancing Tips with Disney Heroes

The Little Mermaid The Little Mermaid: I wanna be where the people are— The WHO, assorted world leaders: First of all, no Beauty and the Beast Lumiere: Be our guest, be our guest Put our service to the test Tie your napkin ’round your neck, cherie And we provide the rest… The WHO, assorted world leaders: Hard no Frozen Elsa: It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all… The WHO, assorted world leaders: First of… actually… good job The Hunchback of Notre Dame Quasimodo: No face…

It’s My Home Isolation And I’ll Dance If I Want To

I’m not enjoying this whole social distancing lark. It somehow manages to be both boring and stressful, doesn’t it? It’s a little bit lonely, there’s not quite enough to do, and one easily ends up scrolling endlessly through news about the escalating spread of the virus. Fortunately, there are people out there who want you to stay sane and fulfilled, as well as indoors. Cultural institutions across the world, many of them temporarily closed down, have taken to the internet and made fantastic selections of concerts, ballets, operas, and films available to you at home—and many of them are free.…

Harry Potter And The Adults Who Took Half A Second To Think Before They Acted

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone Interviewing for a new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, as they do every year, the Hogwarts hiring committee are unimpressed with an overly nervous candidate who seems unusually afraid of his own subject area. His turban smells of dead things. Already fighting a losing battle with one of their tenured professors about hygiene and self-presentation, the committee unanimously decide not to hire Quirrell. Meanwhile, Dumbledore is aware that the Philosopher’s Stone might be at risk. Instead of hiding it in a school full of kids, he has a chat with his old friend,…

Game of Thrones recap from a human who has never watched any Game of Thrones

I needed to feel involved so I wrote this series recap to help everybody catch up in time for the new season.   There is this world with nine kingdoms. Maybe five. Seven? It’s definitely an odd number. Each of them has a throne, which is how there can be a game of thrones, but at the same time there is also a throne that is better than the other thrones, and everybody wants it. A few people have serious, patriarchal beards as well as complicated codes of honour when it comes to throne snatching. Most do not.   Some…

Jael killing Sisera in Western Art History

I love the biblical story of Jael and Sisera and you should too.   It goes something like this: The prophetess Deborah has told one of the Israelite tribal leaders that now would be an excellent time to mobilize against a local king who has been oppressing them. The leader, Barak, hesitates. He will only go to war, he says, if Deborah joins him. Deborah agrees to accompany the army, but she also warns Barak that because of his hesitation a woman will get to kill the general leading the foreign king’s army.   After a messy battle, the leader…

Genesis 29 by Jane Austen

Chapter 1 It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a man on the run from his kin must be in want of a couple of wives.   “My dear Mr Laban,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard that the shepherd shed is let at last?” Mr Laban made no answer. This was encouragement enough for Mrs Laban to inform him that a young man of large fortune from the region of Canaan had come up last week to see the shed and had been so much delighted with it that he was to take possession of…

Everything I learned about Friedrich Schleiermacher as an undergraduate theology student

Schleiermacher is that 12th grade boy who smiled at you once in the cafeteria and ten years later you still don’t know how you feel about it.   Schleiermacher was thrown out of a community centre meeting about recycling for shouting at the speaker.   Schleiermacher is so sensitive he starts crying every year in the spring the first time he sees the new lambs.   Schleiermacher has three brown suits, all identical, with softly worn leather patches on the elbows.   Schleiermacher believes you can do it, because he used to be pretty much where you are now.  …

A conventual drag

Last night, I had an epiphany: I suddenly noticed just how well the names of female, medieval saints double as drag names, and I knew I had to share that important insight with you as soon as possible.   “Sure,” you might say, “You were unable to fall asleep yesterday, weren’t you? At some point you hit the critical mass of insomnia-induced grogginess and that’s when this started seeming like a good idea.”   Well, yes.   Still – hear me out. Cast your mind towards the hallowed halls of your local gay club. (Actually, that probably closed down recently. It’s…

You May Have Worn The Prom Dress With Him, But I Get To Tear Out His Liver With My Own Two Hands And Burn It As A Pleasant Sacrifice To The Gods

High school feels like the best time of your life while you’re there. It’s easy to think that whatever you experience during those magical years will last forever. When you finally meet your true love in your senior year, it seems meant-to-be. You are entirely sure that this is the man you will spend your life with.   I don’t blame you for having felt like that, but for most people such dreams just don’t last. They certainly didn’t last for you. Eventually, you broke up with him and now you get to watch as another woman ties the man…

It is the future and feminism has gone too far

  It is the not-so-distant future and feminism has gone too far.   Men are no longer allowed to work outside the home without a woman’s permission. They may still drive, but they are forbidden from ever talking about cars, except when commenting on their colours.   All women have organized themselves in militant communes. There are no more marriages and no more romance.   Men have to carry a notebook on them at all times and write down everything they say and do. In the evening, they hand the book over to a woman who grades them on their…