It is the future and feminism has gone too far



It is the not-so-distant future and feminism has gone too far.


Men are no longer allowed to work outside the home without a woman’s permission. They may still drive, but they are forbidden from ever talking about cars, except when commenting on their colours.


All women have organized themselves in militant communes. There are no more marriages and no more romance.


Men have to carry a notebook on them at all times and write down everything they say and do. In the evening, they hand the book over to a woman who grades them on their behaviour. If they’ve been very good, they’re given one small sugar lump as a reward.


In bed at night, little boys are told stories about Cleopatra, Hildegard of Bingen, Marie Curie, and Princess Diana. All men have been removed from the history books. Nevertheless, some children’s books still have boys in them: the girl needs somebody to rescue, after all.


It is now universally agreed that men are cute. They  would be even cuter if they smiled more.


Come on, cutie, smile for me.


It’s always International Women’s Day. To ensure there is never another International Men’s Day, the month of November has been abolished.


Men are forbidden from having conversations with each other unless they talk about how awe-inspiring women are. There is a cap on the number of men who may appear in any one Hollywood blockbuster and that number is zero.


Women run all branches of the government and there are cute cat gifs in all official emails. Joni Mitchell has written a new national anthem. Judith Butler must approve the gender politics of every single TV program before it can be released.


If a man catcalls a woman he is deported to a small, arctic island. The only other people who live there are Slavoj Zizek, Woody Allen and the guy who wrote the script of Love Actually. Every day, they are made to read excerpts of Virginia Woolf’s collected works and whenever they start talking about themselves they are softly shocked with a cattle prod until they stop.


All women are now lesbians and they move in packs. If provoked, they can unhook their jaws and swallow a man whole. In the future, women secrete poisonous fluids from their skin and everything smells like chocolate, menstrual blood, and roses.


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