Game of Thrones recap from a human who has never watched any Game of Thrones

I needed to feel involved so I wrote this series recap to help everybody catch up in time for the new season.

There is this world with nine kingdoms. Maybe five. Seven? It’s definitely an odd number. Each of them has a throne, which is how there can be a game of thrones, but at the same time there is also a throne that is better than the other thrones, and everybody wants it. A few people have serious, patriarchal beards as well as complicated codes of honour when it comes to throne snatching. Most do not.



This chair is made of knives

Some people live in a land of winter; they are basically Vikings, they wear clothes made of bark and deerskin, and they plot against each other. There are also people living in a warmer climate; they wear minimal amounts of expertly draped silk in lieu of clothing, they grope their siblings in the bath, and they plot against each other. One of the kingdoms is just like Rome, but not really. People die. A lot.


This one guy sees into the future and realizes something terrible and then much later it comes true, but in the meantime a whole bunch of other people have been slaughtered at an unrelated massacre during a family wedding. They call it The Red Wedding, which seems like a bit of a give-away, but then again this is a series full of symbolic names. Stark. Snow. Aryan. You get the gist.




Are these people friends? 

Look, I’ve actually seen half an episode once and there were these dead zombie warriors or maybe they were zombie wolves – I was quite confused at this point – and then a man pushed a boy out of a window because of plotting.

There’s a bit with a door closing or not closing and it’s extremely sad. Perhaps somebody dies or gets their head torn off in a way that is even grislier than usual. Face stuck in door? People were very upset, so it can’t have been a rape scene, because if Game of Thrones fans were in the habit of getting that distressed by on-screen sexual violence, they would never be able to regain their composure long enough to watch another episode, probably.*

The wall – of course there is a wall – separates the nine/five/seven kingdoms from the wilderness outside. The lands beyond the wall are haunted, filled with nightmarish creatures defying description, but I put it to you: who are the real monsters when you think about it? Could it in fact be the humans on the civilized side of the wall, forever playing their deadly game of thrones? Hm? I may be entirely off track here. I am literally just guessing.




Dangerous wall or entrance to Mordor?

One of the characters wears other people’s faces. This sounds like a new development. It could be the blond woman, the one with the dragons, but there are a lot of characters and even more so when they put on each other’s faces, so who knows, really.

This other guy is plotting against that woman, the blond one, but then at the same time she is plotting with somebody else against him, but in secret.

Winter is coming.




* I may have never watched any Game of Thrones, but I read a lot of angry, feminist media criticism.


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